punching bag

answers and lies

2005-12-21T07:42:53Z

happiness truly is in the eye of the beholder. so is beauty. i used to think it was so hard to believe in happiness but i'm not so pessimistic anymore. happiness is simple things. really, no fuss, no complications, just straight arrow stuff where you believe, give and be content. love is incredibly simple, but you really have to believe in it. it's doubt, uncertainty and insecurity that complicates love. can love be unconditional? i am happy and grateful that martin was born and that he exists. maybe love gets simpler the more you do it. or maybe not. fear is the heart of love. so is faith. i really don't want anything more. life is simple now.

say it with me - criminal laws are fucked up

2005-07-30T04:22:42Z

i was going to quote something from foucault but i don't have the book with me. it must be with my parents. anyway, i'd have quoted something brilliant and insightful about power and struggle and the limites to knowledge. yes, criminal laws, codes, case law, and history is all fucked up. it's a system of control meant to do exactly that - control unwanted behavior and people. but who defines what's wanted? i may be aligning myself with mega-weirdos out there who question the same thing while stroking their horse much too intimately than is socially permissible... i'm not a beastialist or advocate beatialism! i've never even observed it. i swear! criminal law and criminal systems perpetuate the status quo and the power of the elite. it doesn't rehabilitate. it doesn't reform systems. it simply oppresses, stifles, imprisons, strangles the individual for acts committed against the sensibilities of the status quo majority. mind you i'm no criminal. never even broke traffic violations. at least not caught. perhaps my less than apprecipation for criminal law stems from my inability to understand structural logic. you know to see criminal law as the architectural marvel that it is. maybe that's why i'm having such fucking trouble writing this memo without stopping at every sentence wondering "what does lawful mean?" "why does the court reach this decision and not explain why?" "why do I disagree so with the holdings of SO many cases?" so why is it that the state executes black men? why is it that the sentence for crack is soo much greater than for the rich man's powder?

so it is...

2005-04-08T04:52:41Z

It's Thurday night. months have passed since I moved to champaign and started law school. last semester ended uneventfully. this one is going to end in a month. I've made some friends. I'm not sure who my friends are anymore... Ashley is going to Bolivia. Why does she keep running away? Liz is nowhere to be seen, heard or known about anymore.. I stalk my friends secretly on friendster because i miss them so much but too proud to show it. My mom calls me alot. We talk kind of like we're grown up. I feel sorry for them sometimes. I'm calm now. I'm not so worried about my future or about being alone or about what other people think or whether i'm a good person. I'm 25! I celebrated by writing a draft for a brief all day and all night. Martin is my best friend but like all of my best friends, I don't think it's forever. I've lost so many friends, I've lost count. I have the worst luck when it comes to keeping people. I also run away. Maybe that's why I connect so much with Ashley, although it was hard to show it when she called me. It's hard to know anyone really. It's hard to be genuine. Tell people how I really feel b/c I'm never certain. Feelings are so brief and as soon as some expression of it leaves my mouth, I feel like it's some make-belief. I'm not afraid of being alone. I was alone for a really long time before and being with someone doesn't change it anyway. It was just an expectation. The pope died. It's shocking, death is shocking. No one dies but I'm getting old and people are dying and here i am. that's life. My mom says there's a right time for everything, and I trust her and I trust that there's a right time for everything. EVERYTHING. I really miss the people I talked to. I don't really talk with people anymore. No one I can comfortably open up to. Sometimes it's overwhelming how much I miss liz. wherever she is, whatever she's upto. i'm not sure what it is about her that can open a flood gate of tears and truths and fears and everything. I'm not the only one who dumps on her. She just has that quality and it's not fair to her. I'm so sad. I just want to laugh and laugh.

complete and total outrage

2004-11-03T19:34:37Z

i can't believe the idiot will be president for another four years. there goes the environment, there goes peace, there goes health care and the welfare state, there goes the future! #%^^*^%$%^$!!! i'm totally depressed.

Sunny day Autumn weather

2004-10-02T17:51:33Z

i'm not awe inspired and impressed by my fellow students and peers. why should i be? law school is great for the classes and the teachers and sometimes the discussions. but it sucks for the low moral, the misery, the drinking, the meanness. i hate this place... it's only for three years. something wonderful has to happen during that time...

grief

2004-08-21T18:07:17Z

i feel like shit. my relationship ended yesterday after approximately 2 years 2 months and 2 days. my classes begin on Monday. i feel like shit shit shit. i've felt like shit for a long time. we broke up in a bad way. like he was fed up with me. i feel like shit. 222 was our magic number. we saw it everywhere when we started dating then it disappeared from our lives and now here we stand separate. i'm 24 he's 26 he lives on 2400 i live on 307.

opening ceremonies

2004-08-19T00:11:50Z

it started today with a bus ride and a psychology grad student hiding underneath body decorations and thick black hair. I left the bus with two tall, athletic law students one of whom shook my hand. 65% to 35% is the male to female ratio in my class. Drinking is seriously encouraged in Champaign, or perhaps it has something to do with law. my tolerance is low and i don't want to be the drunken idiot on first day of orientation.

the faculty are friendly, jovial and seemingly cool. welcome to graduate/professional education where your peers are colleagues and your professors are senior colleagues. it was great to be lost in a crowd again but i found it troubling to strike conversations with strangers.

i met someone else who worked for doug but now i don't remember her name. oh, it's kristie. with a "e", not "n".

Mid-Atlantic foreigners (aka lost souls)

2004-08-02T16:13:43Z

Adams Morgan on Saturday night was crazy but spectacular. Crowds and people everywhere. I was standing with Maria, and two foreigners from Bolivia and Japan. I missed Martin an awful lot standing there in the crowds but we've never been to a place like that together.

hiking

2004-07-22T15:28:56Z

i went hiking on sunday. with the relationship hoopla i missed this important experience. never been hiking before. i could spend a whole month in shannadoah. saw a black snake and a black bear. bears are so wonderful. i miss mine in Chicago.

no big deal

2004-07-20T20:54:16Z

so maybe he's right i need a lot of drama in my life because in a moment's notice i've created all this hoopla with martin that occupies much of my time at home and certainly kills the boredom. why do i need so much drama?

secretaries and the underdog

2004-07-16T17:09:25Z

being a secretary blows! stupid passive-aggressive bosses telling you what to do, how you should do it, and what they like while telling you lame stories about root canals and her proud son heading off to college. fuck you lady. i already graduated from college! it's my own fault for being such a job retard that i end up in these places time and time again. working in a legal office as a non-attorney blows.

Being a lawyer isn't so hard. They're not such hot shots, especially the ones that sit in their office all day looking over documents. I would give credit to trial lawyers though, the ones who talk in courtrooms.

none of my supervisors and bosses recognize that my obsessive compulsiveness is a great asset to their agency. i'm efficient and productive, almost to the point of exhausting myself. i should take up a new career in organizing. i hear there are people who pay you to organize their stuff. or i should be a supplies manager at a big corporation. i would work like an ant and probably kill myself trying to organize everything. organizing brings peace and order to my life but i'll probably die if i had to do it all the time because murphy's law is just too damn powerful.

woo is me.

the list

2004-07-13T15:20:20Z

we can't go a weekend without fighting and aggrevating each other. he frustrates me to no end and the relationship has negative affects on me and is the source of many unhappy times. two strenuous years and what have i to say for it:

the good:
- he has a nice smile, the longest eye lashes, perfect eyebrows, gorgeous hair, and the cutest butt. he also has long grasshopper legs connecting the cute butt.
-he makes me laugh with his silliness and blasphemy and he helps me appreciate humor in a new and enlightened way
-he can be thoughtful and sweet and generous in his own way
-he drives me around and helps me move
-he can be surprisingly insightful and articulate
-we have similiar political leanings and opinions about wealth and power
-he can fix things sometimes and i think that's very attractive
- he's probably the only one who i could count on in Chicago to help me if i needed it.
- he will lie for me to get me a job
- he listens to what i say and cares to understand me in different ways than anyone has before

the bad:
- he's egotistical, dogmatic, and talks too much, always talking, pontificating, preaching, regurgitating, on and on
- we don't enjoy the same music
- we don't have mutual friends or belong to the same social circles, in fact we belong to no social circle
- we don't share the same background in terms of our family and our upbringing
- his future is kind of murky. he wants to be a doctor but doesn't seem to get that it's competitive and requires hard work and focused attention and effort. his lack of decisiveness and willingness to work hard kind of makes me lose respect for him especially because he talks as though he's on his way.
- sometimes he's not the brightest guy in the world in terms of his own career goals and personal finance, or with directions or when he has to make a decision
- we have moral and philosophical differences on our conception of family-life and child-rearing
- he's blasphemous and indifferent which comes off as disrespectful and immature

i feel shitty listing his bad traits and it's not as if he's cheating on me or he beats me or he's a bad person. he's a good person and he wouldn't hurt anybody but he's not a great person either and i can't keep feeling insecure about myself to keep hanging onto him. he's not a bad guy but he's not a great guy either. he's kind of a mediocre guy and we have a mediocre relationship, oscillating between moments of fun and joy and anger and frustration. I could have had tens of mediocre relationships and could probably have tens more. but if that was the case, then the argument could be made both ways - i could break up with him and start a relationship with another guy to be faced with the same dilemma of "he's not good enough" or i could stay with him knowing that other relationships aren't better and I should stick with the one i already know. Or we can end the relationship and we both learn from it and find more suitable people in both our lives. i guess relationships are frustrating because they're not perfect of ideal and your mate certainly will never be ideal, you just have to accept them as they are. it's a scale of balance and it tips only at certain times, for example now when we're having a fight. maybe that's why our relationship lasted so long because neither us could really tip the scale one way or another.

am i a mexi-can or a mexi-can't? or am i a kore-am or a kore-ain't?

dream machine

2004-07-13T13:18:23Z

dreamt that my old roommate let my old room be subletted by a friend of hers who was nasty and messy and left cigarette butts and ashes all over the place. in another segment of the dream, i was climbing on mountain rock. sometimes i think the bed makes the dreams. it's like a little dream machine. at home i dream such things. on my own bed i dream other such things. apartments and rooms have the same effect. it's like the surrounding environment determins the contents of each dream. i miss my own bed. the one i'm sleeping on belongs to my parents which used to be mine but not anymore. it's too small and stiff. i miss my own pillows and blankets. this is only for a month but it feels like eternity.

Late night with Elliott Smith

2004-06-02T05:25:59Z

it's really fucking awful what happened to elliott smith. i saw him once at the metro and i swore he was staring right at me while he was singing. he even waved back. it's really nice this time of year. right before it gets scorching in chicago, but by then i'll be in maryland again with my mom and dad. i'm looking forward to being with my mom. what a woman! maybe she's thinking the same of me :)

rewrite history

2004-05-05T16:50:36Z

gossip is fun. it adds spice to my life which would cause many people to shoot themselves in the head. read erin's journals and notes. she's a good writer. and her life is entertaining. i don't wish to live her life full of stupid decisions but it certainly helps me to step outside of mine, at least for a moment, and see how other people deal. i wasn't always this fucking boring. i still remember running around willows and seeing all kinds of people. maybe they were my kind of people, and here i've stepped outside of everything that i can identify as my roots... it's like i've been running away FOR YEARS and i'm still going. where does the road fucking lead?

liz had a party this saturday and martin was sick so i didn't go and i didn't call. it's kind of shitty of me but i just don't feel bad about it. so she ignores me on AIM. I haven't gotten over my revulsion at her decision to be with Mark.

martin and i had a fight. it's curious that he tolerates everything he accuses me of doing.. what's his deal?

I must confront Doug about my trip. He can fire my ass and i guess that's it. Erin is a really good writer. She's a good speaker and communicator. Seeing as I've abandoned my mathematical talents and pursuing a field dominated by language-oriented folks, I've given myself a greater ledge to fall off of. But I'm out for the challenge. My vision of self grandeur has not been defeated yet! survival is the foundation of life and I am still breathing. Colorado here I come!

My boss can go to hell

2004-03-25T21:55:20Z

So I hate my job. It's because my boss is a big dick. He's one of those people who engage you in conversation just to have you agree with him, nod to his comments, and laugh at his jokes. I really really hate him and I find him utterly despicable. So anyway, he starts one of his conversation stemming from a frustration over something and he wants me to agree, and I don't. I didn't agree and his point was stupid. His logic was squirvy and I refuse to cajole a middle aged lawyer pouting. So when I ask him a question unrelated to his previous comment, he patronizes me. He keeps patronizing me about me doing what I tell him to do instead of deciding on my own what's best. Well Mr. Fuck Face, I said, "I didn't decide on my own because I asked you for your opinion and that's how you instructed me", and then he says "... you have to let me know what I said". It seems rather unreasonable that I have to tell Him what He told me. But at least now I know.

Spring is Coming: Doubts about Friendship, Love and Life

2004-03-08T18:10:31Z

The crisis is upon me. It's never left really, ever.

Friends can be totally insensitive, or I can be overly sensitive. there's no one like your family and friends who can tell it like it is and hold you up as a litmus test for their own success or failure. It especially sucks when they hold you as a test for their own success because you're such a doubter and hence a failure in their eyes. Never air your fears to anyone! Revealing your fear is like trying to shake hands with a crazy monkey. I don't like being the envy of other people because I don't want any involuntary enemies, at the same time I don't want people, least of all my friends to think I'm a failure. I can see them now snickering and gesturing behind my back in a figurative way. Or it's all in my head and I'm projecting my own self-doubt. Everything about my life since I've graduated seem difficult. what happened?

juy @ 2004-01-13T11:40:00

2004-01-13T18:16:53Z

i didn't have trouble sleeping or waking up. those two things happening with one repeating thought. there were vampires in my dream. it was like 28 days later except the infected were replaced with blood sucking vampires. i woke up hiding inside a building that operates as a business by day and protected cage by night. it was dark and children were freightened but i felt safe. as long as i stayed inside i was going to be alright. then i woke up to my singular thought.

late morning, sunny, cloudy, cold

2003-12-19T17:24:51Z

this could be a good friday. boss not in office. his father passed away and the funeral was yesterday. i feel uncomfortable bringing it up although it's only civil for me to express my sympathies. i can't see my desk from my chair because it's covered with files.